The dialectic is where I dwell as a coach, and it applies to therapy as well. The way I understand it, the dialectic is believing and understanding two seemingly contradictory things at the same time. Not an oxymoron, which is simply a smartassity way to have fun… the dialectic is this: you are perfect, just as you are, right now; and, y’all got some shit to work on.
It’s true for me, it’s probably true for you (haven’t met anyone yet who it doesn’t apply to), and usually, we all have trouble believing the first part but no trouble with the second. Well… there are people who have it reversed, but they’re fairly toxic and easy to spot anyway. We don’t need them to be identified, you can fairly smell them…but that’s a topic for another day.
So how does this apply to life coaching? Welp, if you don’t believe you have that positive first part in you, it’s hard –not impossible, but really really really hard—to achieve your dreams, change your life in a positive way, grow, do more than just settle for whatever you have right now.
What you have right now, I’m not referring to material things so much –I’m referring to life passion. Satisfaction. Contentment. Happiness. Feeling deep-down good about your self and your lived life.
I’m not talking about gratitude here, I’m talking about a deep, down-to-your-marrow belief that you are wonderful, right now, somehow perfect as is, and, there’s still some work to do. If that isn’t reality, I don’t know what would be.
Most of us can easily believe that we’re miserable and have whiffed almost every opportunity that ever came our way – that great job, the interview for the great job, the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/spouse, the career choice, the college, not going to college, the right car…is there really a right car? There should not be a ‘right’ car. Or house. Or whatever material thing.
We frequently think we’ve blown those things and thus, life is fated to suck forever. Our chances are over! Maybe worse would be that life doesn’t entirely suck, but it lacks color, joy, satisfaction, meaning. “Close” is worse sometimes than missing by a moon shot. It can certainly hurt worse.
For some folks, this is a radical concept – just considering that it’s not too late. I had an inspiring client who came to me at age 65, wanting peace from a childhood of abuse and a family that wanted her to stay in the same post they’d put her in when she was a child. She ended work with me well before age 70 and she found so much good in her life. She found satisfaction. She defined her meaning and reorganized the things she strove for. She changed her thinking. She achieved some goals.
She has since passed on to What Comes Next, but before that, obv., she would touch base occasionally and tell me how happy she was that she took a chance on her life, and considered that maybe it was not too late after all. You know, she got 12 years of happy, satisfied, content, deeply-felt living. 12 years of peace. And 12 years of happy beat 12 years of suck any day. It’s way better not to wait until you’re 65 to begin, even if it’s never too late. 12 years turned around is great! Yet I want you to have even more than 12 years.
But…the dialectic. What if they’re BOTH true? Just entertain the thought…what IF?? What if you are not out of chances, what if it’s still your show and you get to craft it to fit whatever satisfies you? What is the shape of that ache in your soul? Who could ever fill it, but you?
Can you believe in two impossible things? One is that you’re still able to redefine your life at whatever age you are, whatever stage you are at… as long as you’re on the green side you can do it. You can fix it. You can transform your life.
The other is that you have both perfection and redemption within you – you are both a mansion and a fixer-upper. If you can’t believe it just yet… stay with us here at Transformmy. Keep reading. Meet other people. Drop me a line. Consider the ‘what ifs’ – what if you did believe those things? What if they are true? What if….?
This is the heart of it, where it begins: What if transformation is yours to have, you just need to reach out your mind and embrace something new?